See You in the Real World

T.I. put it very elegantly but I think he may have had something different in mind then what’s going on in my world right now.

I obtained a girls number (through surprisingly little trickery) on Saturday night and adhering to the two day rule, have waited until today to call her and invite her to join me in a meal.

During these two days, I always look at arbitrary events in my life as telltale signs of how the phone call is going to go.

If I get stuck trying to turn right at a red light behind a car going straight, the universe is telling me “Dude, don’t even call.”

If I successfully throw my Wendy’s wrapper into a trashcan across the room then there’s no way she’s not calling back.

You get the drift?

Two things happened in those two days that I’m not sure how to read. So since you’re the one reading this post, I figured I’d let you read the signs as well:

1. My friend’s car broke down (severe battery drain) after using it as a stereo for tailgating purposes before the UNC vs. ECU football game. He had to be at work in Charlotte today so I let him have my car for two weeks (when I next see him).

Yes, we tried jumping it. No, it didn’t work.

2. My phone echoes for whomever I’m talking to (I hear nothing). It horribly irritates everyone on the phone with me. Since I don’t hear an echo and like to hear the sound of my own voice anyway and can’t understand their complaint, it’s taken me 6 months to address the issue.

Because I was supposed to call this girl today however (and my mom yells at me to fix it every time I talk to her), I decided to suck it up and go to AT&T this afternoon and get it fixed.

Take a second here and analyze these two events. Seems to me like I should have some pretty good karma going into the call.

………………………….

Did you take a second?

………………………….

Really?

………………………….

Good.

AT&T gave me a new SIM card in hopes that it will fix the echoing problem. So I came home, inserted the new SIM card, and hooked up miPhone to my computer to activate it.

No, I didn’t lose all my contacts though I like where your head’s at. I had the same thought and copied down her number before syncing to avoid just that travesty.

Instead, I’m sitting here staring at an AT&T Account Information page demanding that I insert the last four digits of the social security number of the primary account holder.

I am not the primary account holder. My family is on a family plan. My mom is the primary account holder. I do not know her SSN.

In order to get that information, I need to call my mom and ask her.

I cannot do that because my phone has been re-set.

All of my roommates are gone so I can’t borrow one of their phones.

I cannot go anywhere to find a phone because my car is in Charlotte with my friend.

So I turn to you readers and ask you this…

Does the universe want me to call this girl?

…………………………………

I’m thinking the same thing.

When you do something everyday for several months, you can’t help but let it affect you.

Since I’ve started working at a web design firm, I’ve been seeing slight changes in my personality, interests and sense of humor. But it wasn’t until today that I found cold, hard evidence when I realized I was sitting at my desk hysterically laughing and beaming proudly at my latest creation:

If you don’t get the joke, don’t worry. It just means you’re cooler than me.

I moved into my new house this week. And it’s amazing. I now have several things that I haven’t had since I lived with my parents (hi mom):

• A dishwasher
• My own bathroom
• A washer/dryer I can rely on
  • By that I mean my clothes won’t be lying on the dusty floor when I return, forcing me to re-wash them
• A closet with doors that work
• A private porch
• and a kitchen I’m allowed to cook in

Now you may be used to having most of these things. But to me, they’re a luxury.

Yep. Everything about the new house is perfect. Except one small thing…

I’m allergic to it.

What? you say.

Oh yeah… Allergic.

I’ve never been allergic to anything in my entire life. Not cats. Not dogs. Not even pollen.

But every time I step into the place where I am contractually bound to live for the next year, my nose starts running and I begin uncontrollably sneezing.

I know a bunch of you have moved into new homes this summer. If you’ve experienced a similar problem and have a solution, by all means let me know.

(picture thanks to Jacqui)

Every salesperson has their go-to lines.   The lines they think will seal the deal and get them that 3% commission.  But sometimes they use their go-to line on the wrong customer and have to quickly retreat, trying not to trip over the tail lagging clumsily between their legs.

And once in a blue moon, you get a salesperson that uses their go-to line on the wrong customer, never realizes their mistake and continues to beat their point into the missed mark.

I went shopping for a mattress the other day and happened upon the latter.

A few clarifying points:

1. I’m not picky about my mattress
2. I don’t have a ton of money
3. I’m not very good with girls

I walked into The Mattress Warehouse and was immediately greeted by a woman in her upper 20’s.  I explained clarifying points 1 and 2 to her and she began showing me the various options.

“These are your standard mattresses,” she said as I flopped backwards onto the first bed she pointed at.

Convinced, I got up and was ready to pay and get out of there.  Seeing my eagerness to leave, she decided to take a stab and up-sell me on one of their nicer options.

“Before you decide,” she added, “you should check out this bed over here.”

Reluctant but polite, I followed her to her prized possession.  And as soon as I lay my head on the pillow came the line…

Saleswoman: “What do you think?”
Alex: “It’s nice, but I think I’m going to stick with…”
Saleswoman: “Watch this!”

(The saleswoman jumps into bed with me)

Alex: “Watch what?”
Saleswoman: “Did you feel anything?”
Alex: “Not really?”
Saleswoman: “Isn’t that amazing? A lot of people don’t like when they can feel every move of the person in bed with them.”

(I begin to get up)

Alex: “Oh I’m not really concerned with anyone being in bed with me.”
Saleswoman: (insistently) “Oh I’m sure you’ve dealt with it some.”
Alex: “Not really…”
Saleswoman: “Well think of how much a girl would like spending time on this mattress…”
Alex: “I’m sure she’d love it.”
Saleswoman: “Exactly.”

(uncomfortable silence)

Saleswoman: “So what do you think?”
Alex: “I don’t think you’re following me. I don’t really need to worry about a girl’s comfort on this mattress.”
Saleswoman: “But she would be VERY comfortable.”
Alex: “No, I get that.”
Saleswoman: “So what do you think?”
Alex: “I think I’m just gonna stick with the first one…”

I made my way to the cashier with the saleswoman right behind me, repeating something about how she just didn’t believe I wasn’t concerned with my mattress’s co-inhabited comfort. I considered pulling out mIphone and showing her my last post to put an end to the issue but decided against it, not wanting to hurt her salesmanship confidence.

As I paid the man at the cash register, he said “Wow this is a great mattress, your girlfriend is really going to enjoy this!”

I retrieved my debit card, looked at the man. Then looked at the saleswoman, smiled to myself and replied…

“She sure is.”

(Image thanks to SWP Moblog)

If you found this page through Facebook, please scroll down to the “For the Facebook Folk” portion of the post. If not, continue as if you’d never read that…

………………………

Usually when someone is reading this blog, it’s for one reason: I peer-pressured them into it.

But this post is fundamentally different than any before it. There will be at least 30 people who visit this post that I’ve never even spoken to.

How did you pull that off Alex?

I thought you’d never ask.

This past week, I thought aloud to some of my friends,

“Wow, I’d love see that new Harry Potter movie with a female but I don’t know a single (x2) girl that would go with me even if I promised to pay for both tickets, drinks, and a large popcorn (and all the refills that come with it).“

I also thought in silence to some of my friends,

“Wow, I wish someone besides my two best friends and mom would read my blog”

So I put up an ad on Facebook in an attempt to kill two burdens with one stone. The ad went a little something like this:

The ad will show up only on the Facebook pages of single girls who go to Chapel Hill and have Harry Potter as one of their interests. In case you were wondering, that’s 640 unlucky girls who have to see my smiling face when they’re trying to look at pictures of the guy they met at the bar last night.

………………………

For the Facebook Folk

I know what you’re thinking, “Is this guy serious?”

And the answer is yes. Yes I am.

Here’s what I’m seriously offering:

• A ticket to the most recent Harry Potter movie
• Large popcorn (with butter)
• One [insert your favorite canned beverage here]
  • Bring a big-enough purse since you will be sneaking this in

If you’re even considering considering taking me up on this offer, you’ll probably want to do some research first to see just what exactly you’d be getting yourself into. So here are a few of my previous date/girl experi (ences/ments):

• The Bookstore Date
• It’s just a movie…
• While we’re on the subject of Facebook  #1
• While we’re on the subject of Facebook #2
• For those familiar with the Greek system: A Mixer

You’ve done some reading and you’re still interested? First of all, I suggest you take a second and re-evaluate your interests. Once you’ve done that, feel free to send me a Facebook message (there’s only one Alex Pomer out there) or email me at ‘pomeratyahoodotcom@gmail.com‘.

And if you feel like telling me how bad an idea this is, that’s why there’s the comments below.

I’m not naive. I know I’m living in a fantasy world.

I live with 40 of my best friends, I have zero responsibilities before 11:00am, and any time I want to ask a girl on a date, I have the perfect excuse…

…a cocktail.

For those of you who don’t know, here’s a quick definition of a fraternity cocktail:

Main Entry: fra·ter·ni·ty cock·tail
Function: noun
: a social event where friends, sometimes referred to as ‘brothers’, take dates out to a nice dinner usually followed by dancing and debauchery.

I had one such cocktail last Friday and had such a good time that my evening warranted a second date.

Unfortunately, I’ve been classically conditioned over the last three years and now have no idea how to ask a girl on a date unless there’s a cocktail scheduled for the upcoming week.

Realizing that there’s no ‘cocktail excuse’ in the real world, I decided it was time to get some practice…

After two hours of deliberation, a half-hour of Facebook, and 15 minutes of crying, I panicked and sent the following text message to my potential date:

“I had a really good time at the cocktail and I want to ask you to come to another cocktail this Friday. Unfortunately we don’t have a cocktail on Friday. What do I do?”

At the time of publication, she has yet to respond.

And if you remember correctly, this scenario isn’t exactly my cup of tea.

In my experience, then you probably weren’t meant to.

A few days ago, I created Facebook event entitled I know this sucks but I lost my phone and I need people’s numbers.

Sounds innocent enough, right?

Wrong.

There are two factors that you are unaware of:
1. I did not lose my phone.
2. I only invited one person to the event, a girl that I will refer to as JT.

For those of you who don’t know me, getting a cute girl’s number is not really my cup of tea.

So I figured I’d use a little trickery and then six months later, while we were merrily strolling down the beach holding hands, I’d tell her how I got hew phone number and we’d laugh the day away…

Well guess what, figuring isn’t really my cup of tea either.

Two days and thousands of Facebook-checks later, I was still number-less.

So yesterday, I got bold and decided to try try again.

I thought, maybe she just skimmed over the event invite and I need to take a more direct approach.

So I sent her a long confessing Facebook message explaining what I’d done, hoping that she would find it remotely entertaining. I also gave her some raw incentive (detailed in the snippet below) in case she was the bribe-able type.

Snippet below:
“In exchange for your phone number, I will tell you…

1) The movie that I’m most embarrassed for crying in.
2) My favorite Pokemon.
3) My PID number and permission to use it for up to $10 worth of Alpine (I have a ton of extra expense dollars).
4) Which ‘NSync song I’m currently listening to.
5) One demand of your choice.”

End Snippet.

You’d think that nobody could resist such a tempting proposal.

Well JT isn’t a nobody, she’s a somebody. And a much more elusive somebody than I initially imagined.

More than 36 hours since clicking that dark blue send button, there’s still no response.

I’d tell myself she’s playing hard to get but I passed out midway through hour 14 of holding my breath.

Sometimes life throws you a curveball. My advice, don’t try throwing one at a girl.

Oh yes ’tis.

So I thought it would only be fitting to share a story about one of my Christmas shopping experiences.

Before I begin, let me hit you with a little background:

A friend of mine (Garrett) and I have a tradition of exchanging gifts on Christmas/Chanukah and our birthdays.

You’re probably thinking, Yeah, you and every other friend in the world.

Well you’re wrong.

Most of the guys you know don’t give gifts to their friends on holidays. (They/We)’re too lazy.

But Garrett and I decided three or four years ago that we would exchange gifts. Sometimes, your friends know you (and what you really want) better than your family does.

And that makes for good gifts.

End background.

A few weeks ago while we were watching TV, an infomercial for Snuggies came on. Garrett idly mentioned that he wanted one of the ridiculous blanket-robes.

Being the good friend that I am, I made a mental note of Garrett’s desire and chuckled at how horrible he would look wearing a robe-lanket.

A few days ago, I saw the infomercial on TV and remembered my mental note (is that redundant?).

I picked up the phone, and dialed the 1-800 number. I’ve never ordered something off an infomercial so I had no idea what to expect.

The Snuggie is listed on the commercial as “Buy one, get one free for $19.95.”

Well guess what, it’s not that simple.

I have to say, the automated operator was very polite and sounded sweet…

…but she’s a sneaky b*&ch.

Let’s call her Kelli.

And I should’ve known because I never trust girls that substitute an ‘i’ for a ‘y’ in their name. But like I said, she sounded sweet.

The first thing she did was ask how many Snuggies I wanted. So I sat there, staring at my phone thinking…

Well I want two. But the second one is supposed to be free. So do I order one Snuggie or two…?

Realizing that I may be in for more than I bargained, I cautiously pressed ‘one’.

Kelli informed me that I’d ordered one Snuggie and that my second one would be included free.

Nice, I thought. (Pomer – 1, Kelli – 0).

Then, Kelli went on to offer me a bunch of “limited time special offers.”

I sidestepped most of them but couldn’t resist upgrading to the Deluxe Snuggie which is 50% thicker and has pockets for only $5.

What’s a Snuggie without pockets? I thought.

Finally, after giving them my credit card number, name and billing address, Kelli informed me:

“Thank you your order will arrive in 2-6 weeks.”

Click

No total cost. No conformation email. Nothing.

And by the way, it’s not getting here by Christmas…

I thought that was a little fishy so I got online and did some research to find some other people’s experiences. Here are some of my favorite quotes:

- “You call the customer service number on their site and it rings once and then they hang up on you.”

- “I placed an order of two blankets… Guess what, the total is $132.55. They charged $47.70 for shipping.”

- “They ask if you would like to upgrade to a more plush Snuggie (the Deluxe one). When you say yes you end up buying 2 getting 2 free.”

I quickly realized that something was not right. In fact, it might even be wrong.

I did some mental calculations (on my calculator) and figured out that I’d actually ordered:

- 1 Basic Snuggie: $27.90 ($19.95 + $7.95 S/H)
- 1 ‘Free’ Basic Snuggie: $7.95 S/H
- 1 Deluxe Snuggie: $32.90 ($19.95 + $5.00 pockets + $7.95 S/H)
- 1 ‘Free’ Deluxe Snuggie: $12.95 ($5.00 pockets + $7.95 S/H)

For those of you keeping track, I think that brings the score to something like…

Pomer – 1, Kelli – 81.70

Gulp

I’ll be giving Garrett his gift as planned and I decided to keep the second deluxe one…

But I don’t really have the kind of money to spend $80 on a blanket with sleeves so if any of you do and are interested in the pocket-less variety, let me know.

It would make a great Valentine’s or Easter gift. I’m not sure exactly when it’s going to arrive but I’ll be sure to let you all know when it does.

I think there’s a lesson in here somewhere and since it’s Christmas, I’ll try to break it down…

Anne Frank once said, “No one has ever become poor by giving.”

She was wrong.

UPDATE: A friend, Eric, just sent me this relevant article by Time on Snuggies.

For college kids, Christmas/Chanukah/Winter break is a time for relaxation.

Sure, you may work a couple hours a week at your old job for some present-buying cash flow but there are no papers, no projects, and no exams.

And if you’re anything like me, CCW break is a period where you have a lot of free time but feel like you deserve to not spend it doing something you have to.

Break is you time.

Do something you want to do. Read a book that has nothing to do with anything.

Did you never get around to the last Harry Potter book? Is there a new Star Wars book out? Is Gossip Girls your guilty pleasure?

Read it. Who cares?

You know I don’t.

Besides, I’ve read every HP book thrice, I know more Star Wars history then American history, and I knocked out all the Gossip Girls novels (yes, “novels”) three summers ago.

So instead of reading, last Saturday, four friends and I decided over dinner to devote our time to something arguably more worthless…

Starting a new weekly TV drama.

After much deliberation, we narrowed the field down to Lost and Heroes.

The voting was fierce:

We debated the pros and cons of each show, my friend Chris attempted a filibuster by eating only one fry every 5 minutes, and I had to give up shotgun in his car for a month to get him to reconsider.

When we finally voted, Heroes won and Lost well… you get the idea.

(Heroes – 3, Lost – 2)

So after dinner, we all went to Blockbuster and picked up the first season and Saturday at 11pm, we began the first episode.

Note:
I have a very addictive personality. I don’t believe in doing something half-way. I don’t even believe in doing something the whole way.

If you start something, you should do it to the extreme.

And at 6:30pm last night, three of us finished the first season.

I did some calculations and figured out that during those 43 hours, I’d spent…

22 hours watching Heroes, 14 hours sleeping, and 7 hours doing everything else.

I broke it down further below:

I told that story to a few people last night and each said, “Wow, what a waste.”

So I began to question my decision:
- Did I really need to watch a show until 7am two nights in a row? – No.

- Did I enjoy every second of the show? – No, I was horribly scared most of the time.

- Does my back hurt from sitting down for so many straight hours? – Yes.

- Do I see scenes from the TV show every time that I close my eyes? – Yes.

- Do I need to shower? – God Yes.

- What does waste really mean? – To consume or spend without adequate return.

- Oh, well did I get a decent story out of it? - Umm sure, why not.

Well then it’s not a waste.

A waste would be doing something that I wouldn’t remember a month from now or that I could easily do again in a year or two.

Now that I think about it, I can’t imagine anything more worthwhile…

…except maybe this.