See You in the Real World

Every salesperson has their go-to lines.   The lines they think will seal the deal and get them that 3% commission.  But sometimes they use their go-to line on the wrong customer and have to quickly retreat, trying not to trip over the tail lagging clumsily between their legs.

And once in a blue moon, you get a salesperson that uses their go-to line on the wrong customer, never realizes their mistake and continues to beat their point into the missed mark.

I went shopping for a mattress the other day and happened upon the latter.

A few clarifying points:

1. I’m not picky about my mattress
2. I don’t have a ton of money
3. I’m not very good with girls

I walked into The Mattress Warehouse and was immediately greeted by a woman in her upper 20’s.  I explained clarifying points 1 and 2 to her and she began showing me the various options.

“These are your standard mattresses,” she said as I flopped backwards onto the first bed she pointed at.

Convinced, I got up and was ready to pay and get out of there.  Seeing my eagerness to leave, she decided to take a stab and up-sell me on one of their nicer options.

“Before you decide,” she added, “you should check out this bed over here.”

Reluctant but polite, I followed her to her prized possession.  And as soon as I lay my head on the pillow came the line…

Saleswoman: “What do you think?”
Alex: “It’s nice, but I think I’m going to stick with…”
Saleswoman: “Watch this!”

(The saleswoman jumps into bed with me)

Alex: “Watch what?”
Saleswoman: “Did you feel anything?”
Alex: “Not really?”
Saleswoman: “Isn’t that amazing? A lot of people don’t like when they can feel every move of the person in bed with them.”

(I begin to get up)

Alex: “Oh I’m not really concerned with anyone being in bed with me.”
Saleswoman: (insistently) “Oh I’m sure you’ve dealt with it some.”
Alex: “Not really…”
Saleswoman: “Well think of how much a girl would like spending time on this mattress…”
Alex: “I’m sure she’d love it.”
Saleswoman: “Exactly.”

(uncomfortable silence)

Saleswoman: “So what do you think?”
Alex: “I don’t think you’re following me. I don’t really need to worry about a girl’s comfort on this mattress.”
Saleswoman: “But she would be VERY comfortable.”
Alex: “No, I get that.”
Saleswoman: “So what do you think?”
Alex: “I think I’m just gonna stick with the first one…”

I made my way to the cashier with the saleswoman right behind me, repeating something about how she just didn’t believe I wasn’t concerned with my mattress’s co-inhabited comfort. I considered pulling out mIphone and showing her my last post to put an end to the issue but decided against it, not wanting to hurt her salesmanship confidence.

As I paid the man at the cash register, he said “Wow this is a great mattress, your girlfriend is really going to enjoy this!”

I retrieved my debit card, looked at the man. Then looked at the saleswoman, smiled to myself and replied…

“She sure is.”

(Image thanks to SWP Moblog)

Every blogging article stresses the importance of not apologizing for a blog post drought.  So I’m not apologizing… but I do want to talk a little bit about what I’ve been doing for the last few months, making the transition into the real world…

Sort of.

See, I graduated college (on time), got a job, and have been doing a little growing up.  But I say sort of because I still live in Chapel Hill, am still surrounded by college girls, and still stay out until past 2am.

I also say sort of because I have been making some changes in my lifestyle. Some say it’s about time. Some say it’s too late. I say I’m maturing. So without further ado, the top 10 ways that I’ve decided to grow up…

Number 10: I signed up for my own VIC Card.

No more of this “Do you have a VIC Card?” “No, but I have my mom’s phone number” business.  It was past time to take two minutes and get that little red triangular card to put on my keychain. Not to mention I felt bad that the Harris Teeter database still thought my mom drank Busch Lite.

Number 9: I purchase my own Propecia.

No longer can I guilt my mom into paying for my anti-balding medicine by pitching a fit when she tries to fast forward through the Hair Club for Men infomercial.

Number 8: I see AM daylight.

Cogito ergo sum: roughly translates to “I think, therefore I A.M.” I’m pretty sure Ol’ Descartes was talking about being at work before noon.

Number 7: I acquired a check book.

While your fraternity treasurer may let you pay your rent in cash, your landlord wants it in a check.

Number 6: The song ‘It’s five o clock somewhere‘ is finally starting to make sense.

Especially when Johny Kemp is singing his end-of-week symphony.

Number 5: Cream and sugar are things of the past.

There comes a point in every man’s life when he begins drinking his coffee black. For me, it was when including cream and sugar meant purchasing cream and sugar.

Number 4: Eating lunch is a treat.

Lunch in college was a social opportunity with my best friends and maybe even a girl (haha, just kidding). Lunch out of college is a relief from the 3+ hours of work you’ve already done.

Number 3: I now plan my day around getting to the bank.

The bank is open from 9-5. I work from 9-6. You figure it out.

Number 2: I’m finally moving out of my fraternity.

Goodbye peeing outdoors. Hello nice toilet paper.

Number 1: I work 9-5 Monday-Friday sitting in front of a computer screen.

Remember when you went to college and talked about how you wouldn’t end up in a cubicle? Don’t worry, you will.

I hope to return to posting at least weekly. I know you didn’t miss reading, but I missed writing.

(picture thanks to schase10353)

Do you remember the story your parents told you about what would happen if you swallowed a watermelon seed?

For those of you who don’t remember, first of all you’re an idiot and secondly, a watermelon supposedly grows in your stomach.

This afternoon, an alumnus of our fraternity (John) came by to check up on the progress of the fraternity, upkeep of the building, etc.

Here’s a brief snippet of the conversation:

John: “How’s everything going?”
Me: “Fine.”
John: “Any problems with the building itself?
Me: “Nope.”
John: “Any more bug problems?”

(We had a bug infestation last year.)

Me: “Not really, I woke up this morning to a ladybug crawling out of my nose.”
John: “Are you serious?”
Me: “Yeah, it scared me at first but ladybugs are pretty harmless, right?”
John: “You’d better hope she didn’t lay any eggs up there.”
Me: “Haha yeah, wouldn’t that suck…”

End snippet.

After initially laughing off the matter, I’ve become increasingly concerned about the actual possibility of a ladybug nest resting peacefully in my nose.

I’ve had visions of waking up in a week with a cold and sneezing out hundreds of ladybugs…

Thoughts of having to join the circus as The Insect Sniffler…

Dreams of fighting crime at night in a ladybug outfit (see below) with my many mini female friends by my (in)side…

Scary. I know.

Odds are nothing will happen.

But I think either way, I’ve just discovered the next big old wives’ tale.

If you have any other possible uses for my potential future superpower, please let me know in the comments.

Are you in the mood for a rant? I know I am…

How many of you go to the bar in hopes that every girl (guy) you meet forgets your interaction by the next day?

Is your hand raised?

I didn’t think so.

I’m tired of going to the bar and having the same conversation over and over again.

At the beginning of the year, it’s “what classes are you in?” or “how was your summer?” Last week it was “what are you going to be for Halloween?” and last night it was “who did you vote for?”

If nothing big is going on then you can always count on “(insert dialogue about alcohol here).”

Stop.

Please.

We’re all unique in our own way. So instead of talking about how much you drank, talk about what makes you who you are. Or better yet, talk about what makes her who she is.

If you can’t think of anything interesting, then do something worth talking about.

I slept in a bush in front of my home for eight weeks. Yeah, it sucked when it was too hot or too cold, but it made one hell of a conversation.

And I’m not saying you need to go live in a bush…

…but maybe you do.

Advertisers call this concept ‘clutter’. When there’s too much of the same crap marketing everywhere, it all gets tuned out.

And when you’re at a bar and you meet someone, aren’t you really just trying to sell yourself.

So stop adding to the clutter.

I don’t know about you, but I’ll always take different or surprising over forgettable.

Even when different means a little weird.

I spent the morning laying around with my friends watching football. At around 5:30pm, three friends and I decided to go outside and play a little basketball. While shooting, we all realized that we were inexplicably depressed.

We’d all had a great weekend. Thursday night we had a great party, Friday we’d gone to a great cocktail, and Saturday our football team annihilated a ranked UCONN and moved into the AP top 25 for the first time since 2001.

What we couldn’t figure out was why we were all feeling so down. One friend voiced it well by saying,

“I just feel like sitting in a corner and staring at a wall.”

After discussing our condition for a while, we diagnosed it as an after-weekend funk.

Even with little work due this week, because there was nothing to look forward to until Tuesday night, we’d caught it. Then, in a moment of clarity, the med-school applicant of the bunch thought of the cure…

…thank god for Karaoke night at He’s Not.

Some signs are hard to read.

Me: “Do you want to get dinner Friday night?”
Girl X: “How about a Wednesday lunch instead…?“

Some are easier:

(See: picture)

Usually when a sign is posted all over the library, it’s for a good reason.

So here’s some advice: don’t leave you’re laptop sitting out on a table, especially with your Facebook profile open and logged in.